The blog ofJonathan Pepin

Notes from How To Win Friends And Influence People (Self-Improvement Series) [raw]


"My popularity, my happiness and sense of worth depend to no small extent upon my skill in dealing with people."

Part 1 - Fundamental Techniques In Handling People

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be under-standing and forgiving.

Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to figure out why they do what they do. That's a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.

Principle 1 - Don't criticize, condemn or complain

There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it.

the deepest urge in human nature is "the desire to be important."

"There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize any-one. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise. "

In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit,

The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere.

In our interpersonal relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation.

Principle 2 - Give honest and sincere appreciation

Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire

First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way."

"If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own."

customers like to feel that they are buying - not being sold.

If out of reading this book you get just one thing - an increased tendency to think always in terms of other people's point of view, and see things from their angle - if you get that one thing out of this book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career.

Each party should gain from the negotiation.

Remember: "First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way."

Principle 3 - Arouse in the other person an eager want

Part 2 - Six Ways To Make People Like You

Principle 1 Become genuinely interested in other people

the expression one wears on one's face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one's back.

Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, "I like you, You make me happy. I am glad to see you." That is why dogs make such a hit. They are so glad to see us that they almost jump out of their skins. So, naturally, we are glad to see them.

they suggest that you smile when talking on the phone. Your "smile" comes through in your voice.

people rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it.

First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.

Happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.

"A man without a smiling face must not open a shop."

Principle 2 - Smile.

the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together.

Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it - and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.

We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing and nobody else.

The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual.

Principle 3 - Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

"few human beings are proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention."

"There is no mystery about successful business intercourse. ... Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that."

So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.

Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.

Principle 4 - Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves

Talking in terms of the other person's interests pays off for both parties.

Principle 5 - Talk in terms of the other person's interests

Always make the other person feel important.

the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature;

Little phrases such as "I'm sorry to trouble you," "Would you be so kind as to ----? " "Won't you please?" " Would you mind?" "Thank you" - little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life- and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.

The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.

"Talk to people about themselves," said Disraeli, one of the shrewdest men who ever ruled the British Empire. "Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours."

Principle 6 - Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely

Part 3 - Twelve Ways To Win People To Your Way Of Thinking

If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent's good will.

a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person's viewpoint.

Principle 1 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

If you are going to prove anything, don't let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it.

There's magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: "I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let's examine the facts."

Don't tell them they are wrong, don't get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.

Principle 2 - Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."

Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say - and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized

when we are wrong - and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves - let's admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.

"By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected."

Principle 3 - If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

The use of gentleness and friendliness is demonstrated day after day by people who have learned that a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.

The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.

Principle 4 - Begin in a friendly way

When you have said "No," all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself.

The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of "Yes" responses. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction.

Principle 5 - Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately

"If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you."

Principle 6 Let the other person do a great deal of the talking

No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold some-thing or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas.

Principle 7 - Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers

Principle 8 - Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view

"I don't blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do." An answer like that will soften the most cantankerous old cuss alive.

Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.

"Sympathy the human species universally craves.

Principle 9 - Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires

a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.

So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.

individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest,

Principle 10 - Appeal to the nobler motives

The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship.

You can dramatize your ideas in business or in any other aspect of your life.

Principle 11 - Dramatize your ideas

"The way to get things done," say Schwab, "is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel."

If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.

That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression.

Principle 12 - Throw down a challenge

Part 4 - Nine Ways To Change People Without Giving Offence Or Arousing Resentment

It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.

Principle 1 - Begin with praise and honest appreciation

Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word "but" and ending with a critical statement.

This could be easily overcome by changing the word "but" to "and."

Principle 2 - Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly

It isn't nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.

Principle 3 - Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask.

Principle 4 - Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.

Principle 5 - Let the other person save face

"Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it.

we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it.

Principle 6 - Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."

Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.

Principle 7 - Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it - and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.

Principle 8 - Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct

Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Principle 9 - Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

Part 6 - Seven Rules for Making Your Home Life Happier

Rule 2 is: Don't try to make your partner over.

Rule 3: Don't criticize.

Rule 4: Give honest appreciation.

Rule 5 is: Pay little attentions.

Rule 6 is: Be courteous.